In the memories of.

my grandmother.

22/02/08

i always thought this particular day will not come.
never did.

suddenly news came crashing on me.
in exactly one month after i left home.
i got a call from aunt bo when she was on her way back to m'sia.
when i was so happily watching bridget jones on tv.

"your grandmother had passed on. we're too late."

imagine my face at that moment.
i called home to confirm. wishing someone to tell me that its not true.
guess not.
i can hear the sobs from behind.
dad tried his best to tell me that its okay.
yea. but my head was thick then that nothing was able to get in.
i had too much to handle on one night.

somehow its for the best.
she had put up a long and hard fight for 4 years due to cancer.
its time for her to have a break.
its time for her to have her rest.
its time for her to leave everything burden and pain behind to enjoy the after life.

its time for me to let go.

suddenly thought hit me that i wouldnt see her in the flesh anymore.
i cant see her. alive.
memories starting to flood in my head.
one by one.

the last one was on the day i left.
on the day itself.

"i wont be seeing you anymore i guess. i dont think i'll live that long"

i never believed one bit of it.
never.

it hurts me so much for her to be right about this.
it never occured me at all.
i always thought that at least one more time. i see her for one last time.
she'll wait till im home again.
i guess she just made a step sooner that i thought.

and my parents said i wouldnt made much a difference even if im back there and i cannot afford to miss school.
it bugs me so much that i'll miss this and miss the funeral.
but then. i agreed.

that night i cried myself to sleep with the brown scarf that she knitted for me.
and my camera in my hand with the last picture we took together.
hoping to feel that u are there with me again.
hoping that i'll see you for the last time in my dreams.
hoping to say the last goodbyes.


life goes on.
the very next day i went to chinese school like every saturday.
trying to get the rhythm of my life back.
trying to get some distractions.
i guess it didnt really work cuz i broke down in class.

after chinese school uncle alan told me to pack up.
they decided to let me go back after all.
there's a bit of joy in me.
i get to go back to what im once familiar with.
i get to see her again.
but on different circumstances.
i get to do my very last bit in her journey of her life.

everything was in such a rush that it doesnt seemed real.
it doesnt feel real even till now.

i went back and paid my last respect.
i went back to what im once familiar with.
but the difference was you are not there to be with me now.
i even hope that u'll open ur eyes and wave and me again.
even u're lying peacefully in your coffin.

that day during prayers u came back.
u came back to see us. as a butterfly.
im glad u did.
as least i know how u are doing right now.
i know that part of u still exist.

the last day of the funeral.
the very last chance for me to see you again.
the very last chance for me to feel your existance.
the very minute that u were in there burning hurts me again.
to know that u are not here anymore
to remind me that theres nothing of you left behind anymore.
even the toughest grandchild that u have all broke into tears.
because we all know that thats the very last that we'll see of you.

i know that i wont forget you.
i hope that u wont forget me too.
i know i'll still love sushi because i know u do too.
because i know the sight of sushi reminds me of u.

my 3 days trip back to msia was an impromtu one.
but its worth every penny.

im now back here making a mark about it.
so soon that i dont believe for myself.
and hoping my memories wont fade as days come by.


and having another closed chapter in my life.